Integrity in my Practice

Channelling my inner hippie

First of all: a massive shout out to my friend (and subscriber!) Sarah Funderburk who won the Sri Chinmoy Self Transcendence 24 hour track race last weekend. She ran 131.055 miles in challenging conditions and beat all the boys. I am perpetually in awe. SF, you’re astonishing. xx

The mental aspect of such an achievement - and Sri Chinmoy - leads us neatly onto the topic of this week’s post: mindfulness.

I’ve had a weird fatigue thing for two months now. I’ve had blood tests, I’ve looked at my diet and sleep, and still it remains. I mentioned in a previous post that this is the first time something is going on with my body and mind that I don’t understand. I’ve always been inclined to think that the body knows the score - the body will tell you when something is wrong - and I have always prided myself on listening and responding to that call. But I am listening. I am trying to respond. I imagine it’s like trying to soothe a crying baby after you’ve changed, fed and shushed them and they’re still crying. Sometimes they just need to be held while they cry. 

I’ve gone nuclear with yoga, meditation and essential oils and it’s all really nice. I’ve tried multiple times over the years to get into meditation and it never quite stuck, but I’m doing it every day now. If there’s one positive to take from this, it’s definitely that. Ten minutes, twenty minutes, morning and night. Often in the afternoon. Sometimes guided, sometimes just by setting a timer. Always a body scan, sometimes a box breath, always bringing the attention back to the breath. Always bringing the attention back to the soles of the feet: this is just something that seems to work really well for me. It’s something I’ve discovered about myself. 

Get me, using the lingo. I’ll start using words like “clarity” and “space” in contexts in which they do not usually apply. However the other day, a yoga teacher used the word “integrity” as a touchstone for a flow and it really resonated with me. There I go again, things are “resonating” now. They’re resonating during my flow. I’m discovering things that resonate with my practice. 

Running is not completely off the cards, I just take each day and each week as it comes. When I do run, am I noticing any effect from all of the yoga and meditation? To be honest, not really. Well, physically, yes, I’m glad to still be strong. Mentally though? Maybe I’m better at slowing down. I’m better at sucking the run back down into a peaceful space somewhere near the solar plexus that keeps an easy run at an easy pace. When I feel the fatigue tickling, whoosh, I pull it back between my ribs. That’s something I used to be really good at, but have struggled with more recently. Possibly indicative. Gosh, who knows. 

I guess what mindfulness has made me more interested in is the liminal space between steps. With meditation, there’s still a common perception that it’s about emptying your mind: if your mind isn’t empty, you’re not doing it right. But the thoughts are inevitable. Of course you will think. Instead it’s about not responding to them: you just note them as a thought and watch them pass. The bliss comes after the thought. Then there’s another thought. Then there’s bliss after that one. Then there’s another thought. Etc. 

It’s like taking flight between steps. You have to land. 

This fatigue thing will pass. It absolutely will. Things always do. You know what, it’s been a big year, and I’m coming around to the idea of just spending a few months in actual nourishment. I want to race again this year but my body is saying no and I have to respect that. I have to yield to gravity. I want to do so with integrity.