Little and Often
Instead of enormous and all the time.
The main draw of training for an ultra marathon, for me anyway, is getting to the point where I’m regularly knocking out back-to back long runs, and what was previously considered a long run becomes just a standard Tuesday morning. The floor goes up, the ceiling lifts, I’m only just warmed up after 10k and the run starts in earnest after 10 miles. The hydration vest is in a constant state of needing a wash or drying from one, the shoes are in rotation because they’re in a likewise condition, and packing an oat bar and a banana for a run is just standard practice. Meal planning becomes easier, actually, because dinner is decided according to how far I’m running the following day. My bed time is more regimented, largely because I’m so tired anyway. Life is more stressful around the training, there is a constant juggling act, but life within the runosphere is calm, focused and diligent.
It has been quite a long time now since I’ve lived like that. I was hoping to be back in that rhythm over the summer, but I’ll have to wait a little longer. Instead, I’m going back to basics, and hoping to develop a regime of running little and often. I know that strength from endurance running takes years to develop and won’t have disappeared completely within six months, especially as I have still been running within that time, but the mental side of it has become confused, and I think it’s more useful for me to just write off what I once new about my body and my capabilities and start afresh. I’m only 35, but I can’t train like I did a few years ago; my mind, body and lifestyle have different demands. A semi-weekly workout on an athletics track used to be a non-negotiable for me, for example, but I just don’t live near one anymore, I haven’t for three and half years, but still haven’t committed to anything to replace that training stimulus. And yet, I consistently wonder why I’m not as fast as I used to be. My thoughts are old, it’s time for an update.
There have been a lot of setbacks this year, and I’m not ready to launch into a new training schedule yet. But what I would like to do is to treat myself like a new runner again. I’d like to remove expectation, to celebrate shorter distances and to build back a degree of consistency. Going for a 15-minute jog when I want to do a 15-mile run feels weird. But it seems like a missed opportunity to treat it as a temporary state, instead of respecting it as a decent effort in and of itself. I’m struggling with my identity within that, for sure, but the identity I’m clinging to has gone. She who once finished third in a 100-mile race. She who could run 10k in under 42 minutes. She who jogged up all the hills on a 25-mile training run, no problem. I can’t snap back to being that person. I have to move on, and find the runner I am now.
I never chased that version of myself, my achievements just arrived while I was focused on other things. It felt more like my identity as a runner revealed itself to me, rather than me imposing paces and distances upon myself. I just did more of the types of running that I found fun, ran more frequently at paces that felt good and chose races that I thought would suit my current skill set. I then refined those skills, because I enjoyed them anyway, and performed well as a result. It seems really simple, doesn’t it, it seems straightforward.
So I want to take some time to have a real, honest look at the terrain around me and the things I enjoy about it. I think I need to do this without a race in mind, without a deadline and without pressure. I may end up chasing the same goals I have been for the past few years, and maybe I’m overthinking it, but a lot went rogue this year and I’m running with a lot of noise about the sort of runner I have been and should be.
I’m embracing little and often. I’m going to focus on a strong foundation. I’ve just started swimming again for fitness and enjoyment, using time and energy that would previously have been devoted to running. Likewise, sometimes when I’m cycling home from work, I’ll throw in a few sprints for the sheer fun of it, enjoying the energy that my body has to spare. I doubt this process will take long, given that there is secretly still a devoted runner inside me, but her ideas of what this body and mind can do just aren’t fair at the moment. I ran for 40 minutes today (with my foot taped up) and it felt like a decent output of energy. I congratulated myself out loud for it. When I first started running, I congratulated myself all the time. It was nice. I doubt many of us do enough of that.
On Sunday, I went for a lovely small run with a friend. I met her at her house, and we went down a road beside a wood and back. She aims to do that run once a week, and likes to do a sprint at the end. It’s really wonderful, I really enjoyed being part of it, and I think it inspired this new approach. Running doesn’t have to be enormous to be nourishing.
If you step off Strava, as I have done temporarily, it’s instantly far less of a big deal. Because running was so unfairly taken away from me for a short time this year, I think I’ve been trying to reclaim it, as if the horrible thing never happened, as if I wasn’t affected. But I was. It was. It did happen, and I can’t squeeze back into that mould. I currently can’t take deep breaths without feeling panic between my lower ribs, and my foot hurts at a trigger point for my solar plexus. I am slowly trying to calm that response, and that will take time, it will all just take time. But little by little, I’ll still get to do my hobby often, and I’m starting to feel open to wherever that might take me.
